My fiancé is assaulting me How do you deal with violence in an engagement relationship

Domestic violence during engagement is not just a temporary issue, but a real crisis that greatly affects a woman's mental state and destroys the trust between both parties. If you are in an engagement and facing aggressive behavior from your fiancé, whether it's physical or emotional violence, this article from my will provide you with the reasons behind this violence during such a sensitive stage in your life, as well as its negative effects, which could lead to the destruction of the relationship or even the lives of both partners.

Engagement is a period of getting to know each other and building mutual understanding, and it should serve as the foundation for a healthy relationship based on mutual respect. However, at times, violent behavior can appear unexpectedly, leaving the woman confused and uncertain. So, what are the real reasons behind this violence? How can it be dealt with? And what are the potential consequences if it is not addressed seriously?," we will reveal everything you need to know.

When does a young man go too far during the engagement period?

When you stay silent about a mistake for the first time
If you stay silent or ignore a situation where you’re insulted or treated harshly, such as being cursed, yelled at, or even a slightly forceful touch, without rejecting it or expressing your feelings, he will feel that it can happen again and possibly escalate next time.
When he knows you fear losing him
When a girl is very attached to her fiancé and feels like "there's no one else" and is afraid of the idea of cheating or breaking up, it makes him believe he can do anything without worrying about the relationship.
When her family doesn’t intervene
If the girl talks to her family about incidents of violence or disrespect, and their response is "there's no problem" or "calm down," it makes the young man feel that he won't be held accountable, and no one will question his bad behavior.
When he has a controlling personality and there’s no resistance
If the person likes to control everything and finds that the girl listens and follows without objection, he will start pushing the boundaries further in terms of control and imposing his opinions, reducing the space for discussion and understanding.
When the relationship is all about sacrifices from one side
If the girl is always compromising, staying silent about bad behavior, and justifying her fiancé’s actions with "he loves me," it gives him the idea that love means tolerating insult and even abuse.
When there’s physical overstepping and she stays silent
If there is any physical overstep, like an inappropriate touch or hug, and she stays silent or says nothing, it makes the fiancé believe she agreed and accepted it, encouraging him to repeat the behavior.
When there’s no clear dialogue about respect
Many girls start the engagement without clearly discussing boundaries of respect and privacy. As a result, the fiancé starts acting however he wants without any limits.

Aggressive Behavior of the Fiancé in Psychology:

✅ 1. Resulting from internal weakness, not strength
An aggressive person often has a sense of inner inadequacy or weakness, which is why they compensate for this by being aggressive or controlling others to feel "strong" or "in control."

✅ 2. Passive-Aggressive Personality Pattern
This type of behavior manifests as psychological manipulation or silent punishment. The person is unclear in their actions but harms the other party emotionally without displaying open anger.

✅ 3. Uses aggression as a way to protect themselves
If a person has experienced difficult childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect, they may use aggression as a way to protect themselves or cope with their negative emotions.

✅ 4. Lack of emotional intelligence
An aggressive person is unable to express their emotions in a healthy way. Instead, they use anger or physical violence to express themselves because they can't control their emotions.

✅ 5. Obsessive attachment and control
If someone has a strong desire to control, they may start to feel that the girl is "his property," leading to excessive jealousy and a belief that they can impose their will on her in everything.

✅ 6. Toxic Relationship Pattern
An aggressive person is often accustomed to toxic relationships, where there is intensity and authority, and compromise from the other party, so they repeat the same behavior with every partner.

✅ 7. Low self-respect
Sometimes, an aggressive person has an issue with self-respect, which leads them to try to assert their existence by insulting others or diminishing their value to feel superior.

Reasons for Violence During Engagement

Violence during engagement, although surprising to many people, can occur in the early stages of a relationship, especially when this period should be built on love and understanding. However, if some causes are not properly addressed, violence may escalate. Here are the main reasons that could lead to violence during the engagement stage:

Control and domination
Some people have a strong desire to control their partner from the start, which can manifest in imposing their opinions on everything, whether it's clothing, friends, or even how to speak. Sometimes, this leads to threats or insults if the other party does not comply.
Pathological jealousy
Jealousy can be normal in relationships, but when it turns into excessive and unjustified jealousy, it makes the other party feel watched, which affects their self-confidence and may lead to verbal or physical violence.
Previous experiences and upbringing
If a person grew up in an environment with violence or witnessed their father using violence against their mother, they might believe that violence is normal, and this could lead them to repeat this behavior without realizing it's wrong.
Lack of awareness of healthy relationships
Some people have no clear idea of what a healthy relationship based on respect and understanding looks like. Therefore, they may think that violence is a way to solve problems or impose their opinion.
Psychological and financial pressures
The engagement period can be full of psychological pressures, such as work problems or financial issues. These pressures can cause anger and an emotional outburst from the other party.
Fear of loss or feeling insecure
Some individuals have trust issues and fear losing their partner. Therefore, they use violence to feel that they have "secured" the other person and kept them.
Significant differences in personality and values
If there are major differences in thinking, values, or ambitions, this could cause problems. Due to the lack of understanding, both parties may resort to violence instead of peaceful dialogue.
Viewing the relationship as "ownership"
Some individuals view engagement as "ownership" of the other person, which leads them to use violence if they feel the other party is not under their control.
Emotional impulsiveness without true knowledge
Some people rush into engagement without truly getting to know the other person. This leads to discovering negative traits over time, causing tensions that could escalate to violence.
Excessive embellishment and pretending at the beginning of the relationship
Sometimes, people try to appear perfect at the start, but as the truth emerges, the other party feels deceived, leading to conflicts that may result in violence.
Lack of clear boundaries in the relationship
If the relationship starts without defining boundaries, whether in terms of respect or privacy, it can lead both parties to cross boundaries, resulting in violent behavior.
Excessive family interference
Family interference in every detail of the relationship can place tremendous pressure on both parties, potentially leading to verbal or emotional violence.
Jealousy from the success of the other party
Jealousy over the success of the other person in their personal or professional life can trigger violence, especially if the other person is unable to achieve similar successes.
Fear of separation
If one party feels that the relationship is not going well or that the other person is not fully committed, they may use violence as a way to threaten or emotionally blackmail the other person to prevent a breakup.

Forms of Violence During Engagement

Verbal Abuse
This includes insults, belittling, mocking appearance or family. Example: "You don't understand," "I'm better than you," "I don't like your family."
Psychological Abuse
Psychological violence affects a person more than verbal abuse because it creates a constant feeling of insecurity or guilt. For example, threats of separation, constant monitoring, or emotional manipulation (loving and then suddenly distancing themselves).
Physical Abuse
Even if the physical violence is minor, such as pushing or grabbing the hand aggressively, these are all warning signs of behavior that could escalate. Physical violence is not "a mistake that passed"; it’s a serious indicator of behavior that could develop.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse appears when one person controls or monitors the other's expenses, demands expensive gifts, or makes financial decisions for them. This is a form of control and devaluation.
Social Abuse
This involves preventing the other person from going out or trying to isolate them from their friends or family with excuses like "I'm jealous of you."
Religious or Cultural Abuse
There is a form of abuse where one person tries to impose their religious or cultural beliefs on the other forcefully or through mockery.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual violence includes crossing physical boundaries inappropriately under the pretext of "we're going to be together soon."
Silent Emotional Abuse
This type of abuse involves deliberate ignoring, withdrawing during times of anger, or pressuring the other person to apologize all the time.
Electronic Abuse
This involves demanding passwords for phones, monitoring social media accounts, or pressuring the other person to send private pictures.

The Harm of Violence During Engagement

Violence during engagement doesn’t just affect the relationship itself but also has deep emotional, psychological, and physical impacts on the person exposed to it. These harms are not just emotional but also psychological and physical. Here's an explanation of the main harms that may occur:

Loss of Self-Confidence
When a person is constantly belittled, whether through words or actions, it breaks their self-esteem and makes them feel inadequate or always in the wrong.
Psychological Disorders (Stress, Depression, Anxiety)
Repeated violence can cause constant anxiety, fear of loss, or even depression due to the feeling of insecurity that the person experiences.
Doubt in Future Relationships
Those who experience violence during engagement start to doubt the intentions of anyone they meet in the future, making it difficult for them to build a healthy relationship or trust anyone else easily.
Turning the Relationship into a Battleground, Not Love
Instead of engagement being a time for closeness and understanding, violence turns it into a psychological battle where each party tries to assert their power or protect themselves.
Getting Used to Toxic Treatment
People exposed to violence may get used to it and justify it, which makes them continue in a harmful relationship or even enter a marriage filled with emotional torment.
Social Isolation
Violence can lead to social isolation, where the person begins to distance themselves from family and friends. This might happen either due to shame or because the abusive partner prevents them from connecting with others.
Low Self-Worth
Over time, the person is affected by the insults they receive, causing them to doubt their abilities and choices, which diminishes their sense of self-worth continuously.
Destroying the Image of Love and Healthy Relationships
Violence distorts the concept of love and healthy relationships, making the person associate the relationship with pain or believe that love must involve harmful sacrifice to continue.
Physical Harm (In Case of Physical Abuse)
Physical violence can cause injuries or health issues, even if they are minor. This is a clear sign that the boundaries of healthy relationships are being crossed.
Entering Harmful Substitute Relationships
After experiencing violence, some people try to forget the past by entering other relationships without real awareness or proper choices. This can lead to bigger problems or repeat the experience of violence.
Distortion of Self-Image
Continuous exposure to violence makes the person doubt themselves and feel responsible for the poor treatment, leading to a loss of self-respect.
Fear of Commitment
Some people who have experienced violence during engagement fear repeating the same experience, which may cause them to avoid the idea of marriage or commitment for a long time.
Impact on Academic or Professional Performance
The stress and psychological pressure resulting from violence affects the person's focus, whether in their studies or work, making them always preoccupied with emotional problems instead of thinking about their future.
Reluctance to Seek Help
Due to fear or shame from societal judgment, many people don’t seek help. This causes them to sink deeper into the harmful relationship rather than trying to escape it.
Tendency Toward Revenge or Aggression
Some people who have been exposed to violence become aggressive or look for a way to take revenge, negatively affecting their relationships with anyone afterward.
Sleep and Eating Disorders
Constant thinking about the violence and psychological problems leads to insomnia, loss of appetite, or overeating as a way of coping emotionally.
Impact on Future Outlook
A person who has experienced violence begins to view the future as unclear, and may lose the motivation to achieve their goals, or feel hopeless about building a healthy relationship in the future.

The Impact of Abuse on Women During Engagement

Abuse during the engagement period leaves significant negative effects on women, not just during this period but also in the long term. The impact of abuse is not limited to physical wounds but also causes deep psychological and physical harm that affects their lives entirely. Here's a clearer look at the consequences:

Psychological Breakdown and Erosion of Self-Confidence
A woman who experiences abuse begins to doubt herself and loses her sense of self-worth. She may start to feel that she is to blame for what happened or that she "deserved it." This feeling of guilt becomes ingrained in her mind and profoundly affects her personality, even after separation.
Fear of Love and Relationships
Abuse distorts the concept of love for a woman. Any new relationship that tries to get close to her makes her fear repeating the pain or rejecting any opportunity for real commitment. This is because abuse during engagement makes her feel that love is associated with suffering and emotional pressure.
Attachment to the Abuser
Strangely, abuse sometimes causes the woman to become more attached to the abuser due to the constant emotional manipulation. She always hopes he will "change" or return to his affectionate nature. This increases her psychological suffering.
Feeling of Guilt
Even if the woman is the victim, abuse makes her feel that she is responsible for the partner's anger or even for his abusive behavior. The constant psychological pressure and emotional manipulation make her feel responsible for his bad actions.
Isolation and Withdrawal
After experiencing abuse, a woman begins to distance herself from people, whether friends or family, because she cannot express her suffering. She feels embarrassed and fears telling anyone that she has been abused, which makes her endure the suffering alone.
Psychological and Physical Disorders
Abuse not only affects the psyche but also manifests physically. Possible symptoms include depression, stress, insomnia, loss or increase in appetite, constant headaches, or even hair loss. The body is significantly affected by the mental state.
Acceptance of Toxic Relationships Later
If a woman gets used to abuse during the engagement and continues to endure it, this might lead her to accept toxic relationships in the future, even in marriage. She loses the sense of the boundaries of harm and becomes accustomed to pain and mistreatment.
Self-Hatred
Due to repeated abuse, a woman may reach a point where she hates herself, her appearance, or even all her choices. She feels inadequate and always like the weak one who suffers in silence. This causes a major breakdown in her self-esteem.

Advice for Dealing with Abuse from a Fiancé
Abuse in the engagement period or in any relationship, whether physical or emotional, is entirely unacceptable. If you are facing this type of abuse, you need to be strong and act decisively to protect yourself. Here are some important tips to help you effectively deal with the situation:

Stop Remaining Silent Immediately
The first step is not to remain silent. Do not accept any form of abuse under any circumstance. Express your objection clearly and be firm that this behavior is absolutely unacceptable.
Find Safety Immediately
If the situation escalates to physical abuse or humiliation, leave the area immediately. Make sure you are in a safe place with trusted family or friends. Safety is the priority.
Consider Evaluating the Relationship
If abuse continues in the relationship, it is time to seriously evaluate the relationship. There is no justification for abuse, and if this behavior persists, you should ask yourself, "Is this person truly worth spending my life with?" A relationship involving abuse cannot be healthy.
Talk Honestly About the Impact of Abuse
After the incident, try to talk to your fiancé openly about the impact of the abuse on you. Share your feelings and explain how the abuse has affected your mental state and your relationship.
Do Not Be Afraid to Seek Professional Support
If you feel you cannot deal with the situation on your own, do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist or a trusted person. Consulting a specialist can help you make the right decision.
Do Not Justify Abuse
Do not justify any form of abuse. Many people fall into the trap of justifying their fiancé’s actions, such as "maybe he was angry" or "he has stress." Remember that abuse is never justified.
Set Firm Boundaries
It is important to clearly set your boundaries in the relationship. Let him know from the start that you will not accept any behavior that harms you or threatens your sense of safety. If he truly loves you, he will respect these boundaries.
Seek Help from Family
If abuse continues or if you are unable to act on your own, make sure to involve your family. Family support plays a crucial role in helping you make the right decisions.
Consider Ending the Relationship if Necessary
If abuse continues or worsens, consider ending the relationship. No relationship is worth enduring harm. Living in a relationship filled with abuse and fear is not healthy.
Trust Yourself
No matter how hard your fiancé tries to justify his actions or ask for forgiveness, remember that you deserve respect and appreciation. Be strong in your decisions, and always choose mental and physical safety.
Do Not Accept Any Justifications
No matter how much your fiancé tries to justify his actions, you must be firm in rejecting these justifications. There is no excuse for abuse under any circumstances.
Do Not Feel Guilty
Sometimes, you may feel guilty or blame yourself, but you should know that the person responsible for the abuse is the one who commits it. Never accept blame for his actions.
Know Your Legal Rights
If the abuse is physical, it is important to know your legal rights. In some countries, there are laws that protect women from domestic violence. Make sure you are aware of your rights and seek help if necessary.
Learn to Communicate Your Feelings Clearly
Talking about your feelings clearly can be more powerful than physical abuse. Use sincere words to express the pain you felt due to your fiancé’s actions.
Be Aware of Your Personal Behavior
Sometimes, you may feel compelled to give up your rights to avoid conflict, but remember that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You should not always be the one "apologizing."
Seek Psychological Help if Necessary
If you have been psychologically affected by the abuse, it is important to seek psychological support. A professional counselor can help you deal with the effects of abuse and regain your strength.
Maintain Your Personal Independence
It is important to maintain your emotional and financial independence. An abuser typically seeks to control the other person. Make sure you can manage your life without negative influence from anyone.
Do Not Let Abuse Distort Your View of Relationships
Do not let your experience with an abusive person distort your view of relationships in general. Remember that true love and healthy relationships do not involve abuse. The future holds the possibility of a better life.