Smart ways to deal with violent play in children without getting angry or hitting

Have you ever noticed that your child sometimes enjoys rough play?
Maybe he pushes or hits without meaning to hurt anyone? Rough play is one of those things that can worry any parent—especially when it shifts from innocent fun to aggressive behavior.Many kids use rough play as a way to release energy, but when it becomes frequent or excessive, it’s important to pause and ask:
Why is this happening?
How can I deal with it without upsetting my child or hurting their self-esteem?In this Daleeli Medical article, we’ll explore the reasons behind rough play in children, its types, potential harms, and the smartest parenting strategies to handle aggressive behavior. All explained in simple language with real-life examples—so you can easily understand the issue and start applying the solutions right away.

What Are the Causes of Rough Play in Children?

Rough play is one of the most concerning behaviors for parents—especially when it turns into hitting, pushing, or hurting others. But before judging a child for being aggressive, it's important to understand what might be driving this behavior. Here are the key reasons that can explain why a child may act aggressively during play:

1. Imitating What They See
Children learn by observing.
If they watch violent scenes in cartoons, video games, or even at home, they’re likely to imitate those actions during play—without realizing that such behavior is wrong.

2. A Way to Express Anger or Frustration
When children can't express how they feel with words, they may use violence to release their anger or tension—because they don’t yet know how to explain their emotions.

3. Influence of the Family Environment
A child raised in a tense or conflict-filled home might reflect that stress through aggressive behavior, seeing violence as a normal part of daily life.

4. Exposure to Violent Video Games
Some games reward hitting and fighting, reinforcing the idea that violence leads to success. This can shape the child’s thinking and behavior during real-life play.

5. Lack of Guidance from Parents
When parents don’t set clear rules about what’s “normal play” versus “harmful play,” children may not realize they’re crossing a line and hurting others.

6. Communication or Language Challenges
Kids with speech delays or difficulty expressing themselves may use hitting or pushing to get their point across instead of using words.

7. Seeking Attention
Sometimes, a child resorts to aggressive behavior just to get noticed—especially if they feel they’re not getting enough attention from parents or teachers.

8. Natural Personality Traits or Genetics
Some children are naturally more energetic or impulsive. This doesn’t always mean they want to hurt others, but it may show as rough play.

9. Behavioral or Developmental Disorders
Conditions like ADHD or certain types of autism can make it harder for children to control their actions, often leading to more aggressive outbursts during play.

10. Lack of Social Skills
If a child hasn’t yet learned how to share, take turns, or negotiate with others, they may use aggression instead of cooperation.

11. Excess Sugar or Caffeine
Foods and drinks high in sugar or caffeine can increase hyperactivity, leading to more aggressive or uncontrolled behavior during play.

12. Exposure to Aggression Outside the Home
Children who live in or attend environments where aggressive behavior is common—like a tough neighborhood or school—may think it’s normal and begin copying it.

13. Jealousy or Excessive Competition
Feeling jealous of siblings or classmates, especially during comparison or competition, can push a child to use aggression to get ahead or gain attention.

14. Too Much Screen Time
Spending long hours in front of screens—especially watching violent content—can limit a child’s real-world social skills and deepen their attachment to a fantasy world filled with aggression and roughness.

Which Children Are More Prone to Aggressive or Rough Play?

Not all children show the same level of aggression during play. Certain age groups and behavioral traits make some children more likely to engage in rough or violent behavior while interacting with others. Below are the key groups most at risk:

1. Preschool-aged children (ages 3 to 6)
At this age, children are exploring the world and learning about social relationships.
They may use rough play as a way to experiment or express their needs, simply because their social or language skills haven’t fully developed yet.

2. Children with hyperactivity (ADHD)
Kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder often struggle with impulse control, making them more likely to engage in unintentional rough or aggressive play.

3. Children with communication difficulties
If a child has delayed speech or struggles with language, they may use physical actions like hitting or pushing to communicate, rather than using words.

4. Children from high-stress or violent environments
A child raised in a household full of tension or conflict—whether at home or school—may view aggression as a normal way to deal with problems and mirror that behavior in play.

5. Boys
Studies suggest that boys tend to engage in more rough play than girls. This may be due to hormonal influences like testosterone or social expectations that encourage boys to be “tough” or dominant.

6. Children with emotional or psychological issues
Kids dealing with anxiety, depression, or social withdrawal may show aggressive behavior as a way to protect themselves or express negative feelings they can’t verbalize.

7. Children exposed to violent entertainment
Watching violent movies, cartoons, or video games regularly can normalize aggressive behavior. Children often copy what they see, believing it to be fun or acceptable.

8. Children in overcrowded or high-pressure school settings
In large schools or crowded classrooms where tension, competition, or bullying is common, children may adopt aggressive behavior as a defense mechanism or a way to stand out.

Common Types of Rough and Aggressive Play in Children

Play is a child’s natural way to express themselves and explore the world. However, some types of play can turn rough or aggressive, putting the child or others at risk. Here are the most common forms of aggressive play in children:

1. Hitting and Kicking
This involves striking or kicking others during play—either out of excitement or anger.
It may seem playful at first, but it can easily escalate into real aggression if not addressed.

2. Mimicking Wrestling Moves
Children often imitate wrestling or fighting scenes from TV or online.
Acting these out with friends during play can lead to serious injuries.

3. Rough Chasing or Tag
Games that involve intense chasing or knocking others down can seem fun, but become dangerous when force or aggression is added.

4. Using Toys or Objects Aggressively
When a child uses sticks, toy swords, or blocks to hit others, or throws toys in anger, this reflects aggressive behavior that needs guidance.

5. Biting or Hair Pulling
These usually happen when a child loses control during play.
They’re painful for others and indicate poor emotional regulation.

6. Pushing or Shoving
When a child pushes others to get a turn or move ahead, it may appear enthusiastic, but often reflects hidden aggression.

7. Acting Out Violent Scenes
Children may play “soldiers” or “superheroes” and re-enact fighting scenes that go beyond safe pretend play and turn into physical aggression.

8. Misusing Sports Equipment
Using balls, bats, or sticks to hit others instead of playing the game properly can lead to unintended harm.

9. Pranks or Traps That Cause Harm
Trying to scare or trip friends for fun might result in physical or emotional injury.

10. Rough Water or Sand Play
Splashing water in others’ faces or throwing sand can irritate skin and eyes, making it a dangerous form of play.

11. Acting as Scary or Hostile Characters
Some children pretend to be monsters or villains, chasing and frightening others.
While it may seem like innocent role-play, it can upset sensitive peers.

12. Controlling or Dominating Play
When a child constantly tells others what to do or forces their ideas during play, it becomes a form of psychological aggression—especially if done repeatedly.

13. Hurting Animals During Play
Kicking or pulling on pets shows aggressive tendencies and a lack of empathy that should be addressed early on.

14. Imagining or Drawing Violent Scenes
When a child repeatedly imagines or draws scenes of death, fighting, or blood, it may signal exposure to harmful content or a need to release emotions in healthier ways.

What Are the Benefits of Rough Play for Children?

Rough play doesn’t mean violence; it refers to active physical play such as running, jumping, light wrestling, or even sliding. It’s a fun and healthy way for children to develop physically, mentally, and socially. Here are the key benefits:

1. Strengthens the Body and Muscles
Active movements in rough play help build muscles, improve balance, and increase physical fitness in a fun and safe way.

2. Develops Motor Skills
Play that involves jumping, rolling, pushing, or balancing helps improve both fine and gross motor skills, while also increasing the child’s awareness of their body.

3. Emotional Release
Rough play allows children to release excess energy or frustration safely, reducing the chances of expressing those emotions through aggressive behavior later.

4. Teaches Respect for Boundaries and Communication
Through this type of play, children learn to say "stop" and to respond when others say "enough," enhancing their communication skills and respect for others' feelings.

5. Stimulates Imagination and Creativity
When rough play is part of a role-playing game, such as pretending to be a hero or adventurer, it opens up opportunities for imagination and creativity.

6. Boosts Self-Confidence
Engaging in physical play strengthens a child’s sense of control over their body, which in turn boosts their self-confidence.

7. Strengthens Family and Social Bonds
Rough play between the child and parents or siblings enhances family relationships, especially when it includes laughter, tickling, or lighthearted challenges.

8. Improves Self-Control
By interacting with others in play, children learn when to stop and when to act cautiously, which helps develop self-regulation skills.

9. Stimulates Brain Development
Active physical play stimulates brain centers responsible for planning, balance, and coordination, strengthening the connection between thinking and movement.

10. Teaches Flexibility and Problem-Solving
When a child faces a physical challenge or an unexpected situation during play, they learn how to adapt their plans and act quickly, enhancing their ability to cope and solve problems.

11. Strengthens the Heart and Respiratory System
Play that requires physical effort stimulates the heart and lungs, promoting the child’s physical health naturally.

12. Improves Attention and Focus
After physical play, children often become calmer and better able to focus on mental activities such as studying or reading.

13. Enhances Leadership and Teamwork Skills
Through organizing roles and establishing rules, children learn to be leaders and responsible team players.

14. Reduces Stress and Anxiety
Rough play releases "happiness hormones" like endorphins, helping children relax and improve their mood.

15. Prepares for School and Life
Children who engage in regular active play are better able to follow rules, sit quietly, and interact with their peers, making it easier for them to integrate into school and social environments.

Signs of Aggression in Play Among Children

When Does Rough Play Become a Dangerous Behavior?

Rough play among children can be normal in some situations, but it becomes concerning when it’s accompanied by repeated aggressive behavior. The difference between rough play and aggression is that violence may be part of physical interaction, while aggression involves the intent to harm or control others. Here are the main signs that indicate a child may show aggressive behavior during play:

1. Intentionally Hitting Weaker Children
Aggressive children often target those who are weaker than them, whether in age, size, or personality. They feel powerful when they assert dominance over others through hitting or harming them and repeat this behavior to establish control.

2. Aggression Outside Playtime
If the child behaves aggressively in different situations, such as constantly fighting with peers or hitting siblings when angry, this is a clear sign that aggression is not only part of play but also a recurring behavioral pattern in daily life.

3. Anger and Irritability Accompanied by Violence
A child who gets angry quickly and uses violence as a way to express their feelings often displays excessive agitation during play. They might insist on causing trouble or provoking fights, even in simple games.

4. Intentionally Hurting Others During Play
One of the most concerning signs is when the child deliberately harms their peers during play, whether by delivering harmful blows or using dangerous objects like sticks or stones. This behavior may reflect a deeper issue with emotional control or empathy for others.

5. Turning Every Game into a Fight
An aggressive child cannot maintain calm play for long; they turn every group activity into a fight. They may harm others without clear reason or overstep others' roles and rights in the game, causing constant tension between them and their friends.

The Dangers of Rough and Violent Play Among Children

Play is one of the most important ways for children to express themselves and learn, but it can become a real danger when it turns excessively violent or rough. Here are the main physical, psychological, and social harms that may result from violent play:

⚕️ 1. Physical Injuries
Rough play can lead to serious injuries, especially when jumping, pushing, or hitting aggressively, such as:

  • Broken bones and sprains

  • Bruises and cuts

  • Head or neck injuries from falls or violent hits

2. Reinforcing Aggressive Behavior
When a child gets used to violence in play, they may transfer this behavior to other life situations, like school or home, increasing their tendency toward aggression and making them more likely to use violence to solve problems.

3. Weakening Social Relationships
Children who tend toward violence are often rejected by their peers because others feel fear or tension around them, making it harder for them to form friendships or integrate into groups.

4. Lack of Empathy and Emotional Interaction
Continuous violent play may weaken a child’s ability to empathize with others’ feelings. Instead of learning to express their anger or frustration in a healthy way, they rely on violence as the only method of release.

5. Psychological and Emotional Impact
Children who experience violence during play may suffer from:

  • Fear and anxiety

  • Low self-esteem

  • A loss of security, especially in environments that are supposed to be safe, like school or home

6. Increased Stress and Pressure
Violent play puts the child in a constant state of tension and readiness to attack or defend, making them less calm and less able to focus or enjoy their daily activities.

7. Reinforcing Negative Behaviors
If the child’s behavior isn’t addressed, aggressive behavior may become ingrained as part of their personality, affecting their future life. This can lead to:

  • Relationship problems

  • Dangerous or illegal behaviors during adolescence

8. Poor Academic Performance
Violent play may affect academic performance, as the child becomes less focused and less committed to classroom rules, and complaints about their behavior in school may increase.

9. Failure to Develop Self-Control
Violent play doesn’t teach the child how to control their impulses but reinforces angry and violent reactions, making it harder for them to handle difficult situations calmly and rationally in the future.

10. Lack of Participation in Beneficial Activities
Aggressive children tend to isolate themselves or withdraw from social and educational activities, reducing their opportunities to learn communication, cooperation, and problem-solving skills with others.

How to Deal with an Aggressive Child Who Hits Other Children?

Aggressive behaviors, such as hitting or pushing during play, can be concerning for parents and teachers, but it’s important to deal with them wisely and thoughtfully. These behaviors don’t mean the child is "bad"; they may be a result of inner emotions like anger, stress, or difficulty expressing themselves. Here are effective steps to handle an aggressive child in a positive, educational way:

1. Stay Calm When Dealing with the Behavior
When aggressive behavior occurs, it’s crucial for the parent or educator to remain calm. Reacting emotionally or shouting may increase the child’s tension and make resolving the situation harder. The child needs to feel safe and supported to learn.

2. Intervene Immediately to Stop the Behavior
Don’t wait for the situation to escalate. Intervene immediately but gently and firmly. Stop the hitting or violent behavior, and clearly tell the child:
“Hitting is not allowed, we don’t hurt others.”

3. Explain the Reason for the Mistake in Simple Terms
After calming down the situation, speak to the child in a calm manner and explain why hitting is unacceptable. Use simple words like:
“When you hit someone, they feel hurt. We use words, not hands.”

4. Reward Positive Behavior
Encourage positive behavior. When the child behaves kindly or controls their anger, praise them immediately or offer a simple reward like a sticker or a nice word, such as:
“Great job for not hitting, that’s awesome!”

5. Teach Alternative Ways to Express Anger
Teach your child how to express their feelings without resorting to violence. For example:
“When you’re angry, say: ‘I’m upset.’ Or you can step away for a bit until you calm down.”

6. Set Clear and Consistent Rules
There should be clear family rules, such as: "No hitting." When the rule is broken, apply a suitable educational consequence, such as a temporary loss of a toy or screen time, provided the punishment is appropriate for the child’s age.

7. Continuous Guidance and Reminders of Correct Behavior
Keep reminding the child of values like cooperation and respect. Don’t wait for a problem to arise before addressing it; make discussing good behavior part of their daily routine.

8. Monitor the Causes of Aggression
Look for triggers or pressures that lead the child to act violently. The cause may be problems at school, changes in the family, or feelings they don’t understand. Once you understand the cause, dealing with it becomes easier.

9. Involve the Child in Group Activities
Encourage the child to participate in social activities like sports or cooperative games, so they can learn how to interact with others and develop communication and teamwork skills.

10. Teach Self-Control Techniques
Teach your child simple techniques to control their anger, such as:

  • Taking three deep breaths

  • Counting from 1 to 10 before responding

  • Stepping away from the situation until they calm down

Simple Exercises to Help Children Calm Down and Control Their Emotions

Many children have difficulty expressing their feelings or dealing with stress, especially at a young age. Therefore, simple calming exercises can be used, suitable for children aged 3 years and above, and they can be practiced at home or school. Here are some effective exercises:

1. Deep Breathing Exercise (Balloon Breathing)
Method:
Ask the child to imagine themselves blowing up a big balloon.

  • Inhale deeply through the nose (count: 1, 2, 3).

  • Slowly exhale through the mouth as if blowing up the balloon (count: 1, 2, 3, 4).

  • Repeat the exercise 3 times.

Benefit:
Helps the child quickly calm their body and mind.

2. Butterfly Exercise (Hugging Yourself)
Method:

  • The child opens their arms as if they are butterfly wings.

  • Place the right arm over the left shoulder and vice versa (as if hugging themselves).

  • Gently tap both shoulders alternately while breathing calmly.

Benefit:
Gives the child a sense of safety and reduces feelings of stress.

3. Finger Counting
Method:

  • The child extends their hand and starts counting on their fingers.

  • With each finger, take a deep breath and exhale, or repeat a reassuring phrase such as:
    “I am calm” or “I can control myself.”

Benefit:
Enhances focus and helps the child exit a state of stress or anger.

4. Turtle Exercise
Method:

  • Ask the child to imagine themselves as a turtle.

  • When they get angry, they sit quietly, pull in their legs, and cover their face with their hands.

  • Take a deep breath and slowly exhale until they calm down.

Benefit:
Helps the child temporarily withdraw to calm themselves instead of exploding with anger.

5. Drawing Emotions
Method:

  • Give the child paper and colors.

  • Ask them to draw their feelings:

    • A sad face if they are sad.

    • Red or sharp lines if they are angry.

Benefit:
Helps the child express their emotions in a safe and creative way.

6. Mindful Walking Exercise
Method:

  • Ask the child to walk slowly in a straight line.

  • Focus on their steps as if they are walking on a thin line.

  • You can play soft music or count while walking.

Benefit:
Reduces excess energy and impulsiveness, promoting focus and inner calm.

7. Repeating a Positive Phrase (Mantra)
Method:

  • Help the child choose a short phrase that calms their heart, such as:
    “I am calm,” “I don’t hurt anyone,” or “I can control myself.”

  • Let them repeat it calmly whenever they feel angry or stressed.

Benefit:
Enhances self-confidence and redirects the child's focus positively.