How to spot signs of sexual selfishness in your marital relationship and how to treat it

At the heart of any successful marriage is a safe space filled with love, care, and understanding. One of the most important of these spaces is the intimate relationship. However, sometimes, this relationship can shift from a moment of closeness and happiness to a scenario where only one partner enjoys it, while the other feels neglected or overlooked. This is when we begin to talk about sexual selfishness.Sexual selfishness is not just a behavioral issue; it serves as an alarm bell signaling a deeper problem in communication, needs, and mutual respect. What makes this even more complicated is that many couples don't realize there's selfishness in the first place, or they fear addressing these topics.In this medical guide article, we will discuss the stages and types of sexual selfishness, identify the groups most at risk, and answer an important question: How can we get rid of it and restore the beautiful balance in the marital relationship?

Is there a treatment or solution for sexual selfishness?

Answer: Yes, of course. The solution begins with:

Understanding and open dialogue about sexual needs.
Breaking the silence on sexual issues within the relationship.
Educating oneself and reading about intimacy and each partner's needs.

If the problem persists and becomes complicated, it is advisable to seek consultation from a specialist or a family or marital therapist.

Is a sexually selfish person doing it intentionally?

Answer: Not always. Often, the person is unaware that their behavior is causing harm to their partner, due to a lack of sexual education or poor communication between the spouses.

How do I confront my partner if I feel they are being sexually selfish?

Answer:

Choose a calm and emotionally comfortable time to talk.
Speak without accusing, for example: "I sometimes feel that my needs are not being considered."
Suggest improving communication and trying ways that satisfy both partners.
If the behavior continues without change, it is recommended to consult an expert or therapist for help.

Can sexual selfishness destroy the marital relationship?

Answer: Yes, if sexual selfishness continues untreated, it can lead to emotional estrangement, weakened connection, and in some cases, may lead to infidelity or divorce. Therefore, it is crucial to address it early.

Is there a difference between temporary sexual selfishness and chronic sexual selfishness?

Answer: Yes. Temporary selfishness may arise due to stress or certain circumstances, and often improves with time and understanding. Chronic sexual selfishness, on the other hand, is a recurring behavioral pattern that requires serious intervention and a complete change in the way thinking and interactions are handled within the relationship.

Does sexual selfishness mean that the person doesn't love their partner?

Answer: Not necessarily. A person may love their partner but may not know how to express this love, or may not realize the importance of sharing the pleasure during intimacy. However, true love shows through attention to the feelings of the other person, especially in the physical relationship, which should be based on mutual giving.

Groups most at risk of sexual selfishness:

People raised in an environment with sexual repression or lack of sexual education: Growing up in an environment that considers intimacy "shameful" or "forbidden" without proper education can lead to the formation of wrong concepts about intimacy, thinking of it as merely a way to satisfy one's desires without regard for mutual sharing and understanding.
Those influenced by media or pornography: Pornographic material often presents a selfish model of intimacy, focusing only on one partner's pleasure (usually the male), ignoring the needs of the other partner, which reinforces unrealistic perceptions and selfish behaviors.
Narcissistic individuals or those with excessive self-love: These individuals focus on pleasing themselves only and do not pay attention to their partner's feelings. They view the relationship as a way to fulfill their desires, not as a space for emotional exchange and real sharing.
New couples or those lacking experience: Sometimes, neither partner has enough awareness of each other's needs, leading one of them to behave selfishly without intending to, especially if there is a higher sexual desire from one side.
People with psychological issues or relationship disorders: For example, anxiety, depression, or repressed anger towards the partner. In some cases, one person may use intimacy as a way to release these emotions, rather than expressing love or emotional closeness.
Relationships lacking communication or characterized by emotional dryness: When emotional coldness and ongoing conflicts dominate, intimacy may turn into a mere physical act devoid of emotions, leading to selfish behavior.
Men in some male-dominated cultural environments: In certain cultures, men are raised with the idea that they are not required to satisfy their partner in intimacy, which instills selfish behavior without them realizing its negative impact on the relationship.

Reasons for sexual selfishness in marital relationships:

Sexual boredom: When one partner reaches a stage of sexual boredom due to repetition, routine, and lack of novelty, they may feel a desire to end the relationship quickly and focus solely on satisfying their own desires, neglecting their partner.
Ignorance of the partner's sexual needs: Sometimes, one partner lacks adequate knowledge about the needs and desires of the other, mistakenly thinking that what satisfies them is what satisfies their partner, leading to selfish behavior unintentionally.
Lack of affection and empathy: A sexually selfish partner may struggle to understand their partner's feelings or may not care about providing a fulfilling experience for them due to a lack of emotional intelligence, psychological difficulties, or the nature of the relationship.
Influence of society and media: Some media, particularly pornography, reinforces incorrect concepts about intimacy, focusing on individual pleasure and ignoring the principle of mutual giving.
Psychological or personality disorders: Some disorders, such as narcissism or selfish tendencies, directly affect the nature of the intimate relationship, causing the individual to prioritize their own pleasure over their partner's needs.
Psychological pressures and stress: If one partner is experiencing psychological or work-related stress, they may shift the goal of intimacy to relieving tension, rather than enjoying mutual pleasure, leading to unbalanced, selfish behavior.
Wrong beliefs about intimacy: Some men, based on cultures and misconceptions, believe that intimacy revolves around the man only, and that the woman should satisfy her partner without expecting anything in return, leading to unintentional selfish behavior.

Signs of Sexual Selfishness in a Partner

Lack of attention to foreplay or emotional preparation: The selfish partner avoids emotional or physical preparation before intimacy, weakening the emotional connection and removing the emotional depth from the relationship.
Initiating intimacy only when they desire it: The selfish partner bases the timing of intimacy solely on their own desires, without considering the emotional or physical state of the other partner, showing clear control and disrupting the balance of the relationship.
Focusing only on their own pleasure during intimacy: The selfish partner seeks to fulfill only their own desires, ignoring the other partner's needs, causing frustration and an imbalance in pleasure.
Ignoring the partner's needs: They do not listen to or respond to their partner's verbal or physical cues, leading to a lack of understanding and harmony during intimacy.
Refusing diversity or novelty in intimacy: The selfish partner rejects trying new things or adapting to their partner's preferences, resulting in a monotonous relationship that lacks sexual satisfaction over time.
Ending the relationship after reaching climax: Once they reach orgasm, the selfish partner ends the relationship immediately without considering whether their partner has reached climax, making the other partner feel unequal in giving.
Neglecting emotional communication: The focus is only on the physical aspect, neglecting the emotional connection that strengthens intimacy and closeness between the partners.
Not caring about the partner's feelings after intimacy: They do not ask about their partner’s satisfaction or enjoyment, leading to feelings of emotional neglect and disregard.
Neglecting intimate moments after intimacy: They act coldly or withdraw immediately after the act, ignoring the moments that strengthen the emotional bond between the partners.
Refusing to discuss or improve the relationship: They avoid discussing areas that could improve intimacy, limiting the development of the relationship and reducing opportunities for mutual satisfaction in the long term.

Stages of Sexual Selfishness in Marriage

Sexual selfishness in a marital relationship is one of the main causes that create a gap between spouses, and it can lead to deep problems if not dealt with consciously. To understand and handle it properly, we will describe the stages of sexual selfishness that may appear gradually in a marital relationship:

Stage One: Ignorance or lack of awareness:
At the beginning, the selfish partner may not fully realize their partner’s needs. They may think of intimacy as just a way to fulfill their own desires without considering the other partner’s feelings.

Signs:
- The relationship always ends with one partner's satisfaction only.
- No communication or discussion after intimacy.
- No concern for the other partner's satisfaction or emotions.
Stage Two: Repeated neglect:
In this stage, the selfish partner starts to follow a repetitive pattern of neglect, even when there are signals or hints from the other partner. The partner may have expressed dissatisfaction directly or indirectly, but these feelings are ignored.

Signs:
- Clear disregard for the other partner’s desires or feelings.
- Reducing intimacy to merely "pleasure release" without emotional connection.
- The other partner starts to feel exploited or sidelined.
Stage Three: Exploitation or control:
Here, intimacy becomes a tool for control or manipulation. The selfish partner may use intimacy as a way to apply pressure, punish, or reward, making the other partner feel like they have lost control over their intimate life.

Signs:
- Intimacy happens only out of fear or to avoid conflicts.
- The other partner begins to lose desire or even respect for the relationship.
- Feelings such as disgust, hatred, or even depression emerge.
Stage Four: Stagnation or emotional detachment:
When the affected partner loses hope for change, they begin to withdraw emotionally and psychologically. Intimacy stops, and emotional communication becomes almost nonexistent. At this stage, intimacy becomes just a "duty," and may even disappear completely, even if the partners are still living together.

Signs:
- No more intimate or emotional initiatives from either partner.
- Absence of conversations or openness between the spouses.
- A constant feeling of emotional and physical dryness.

Types of Sexual Selfishness That May Appear in Marriage

Sexual selfishness doesn’t always manifest in obvious or direct ways; it may appear in behaviors that seem "normal" but actually hurt the other partner. There are several types of sexual selfishness that may appear in a marital relationship:

Physical Selfishness:
In this type, the selfish partner is focused solely on fulfilling their own physical desires, with no regard for the other partner's pleasure or needs.

Signs:
- The relationship always ends with the selfish partner’s satisfaction.
- No sufficient foreplay or consideration for the other partner’s timing.
- The partner stops intimacy as soon as their personal desire is fulfilled, without regard for the other partner’s feelings.
Emotional Selfishness:
This goes beyond the physical; it involves emotions as well. The selfish partner takes love and affection but does not offer the same in return.

Signs:
- Requests affection and attention without reciprocating.
- No romantic words or concern before or after intimacy.
- Views intimacy as something obligatory, without a genuine emotional bond.
Psychological Selfishness:
This type appears in a person who controls the relationship based only on their psychological state, without considering the feelings or circumstances of the other partner.

Signs:
- Intimacy happens only when the selfish partner is in the right mood.
- If they are angry or upset, they refuse intimacy without explanation.
- Ignoring the other partner’s psychological needs.
Silent Selfishness:
This type of selfishness is very quiet; the selfish partner doesn’t complain, but they do not initiate or care about the other partner’s feelings.

Signs:
- The other partner always initiates intimacy.
- Lack of real interaction or participation during intimacy.
- Takes without giving, in a "soft" or "cold" way.
Comparison Selfishness:
This occurs when the selfish partner begins comparing their partner to others, either explicitly or implicitly, making the other partner feel inadequate.

Signs:
- Negative comments about performance or appearance.
- Requests specific things based on external experiences or views.
- Creates psychological pressure or embarrassment for the other partner.
Harmful (Dominating) Selfishness:
This is the most dangerous form, where it manifests as exploitation or pressure to engage in intimacy even when the other partner is uncomfortable.

Signs:
- Using persistence, threats, or emotional punishment.
- Not respecting the word "no."
- Forcing the other partner psychologically or physically into intimacy.

The Dangers of Sexual Selfishness in a Relationship

Reduced Sexual Satisfaction:
When one partner is only concerned with fulfilling their own desires, the other partner may feel unfulfilled or sexually unsatisfied. This can lead to constant frustration and a decline in sexual desire over time.
Deterioration of the Emotional Connection:
Sexual intimacy is not just a physical interaction; it is a way to strengthen the emotional bonds between partners. Sexual selfishness creates a gap, making the unsatisfied partner feel unloved or unimportant. This results in emotional coldness and distance between the couple.
Loss of Intimacy and Communication:
When one partner is not attentive to the other's feelings, the level of understanding and emotional communication diminishes. This leads to a loss of intimacy and trust, making the relationship more dry and less romantic.
Increased Risk of Infidelity or Seeking Emotional Alternatives:
When one partner feels neglected and emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, they may seek other sources to meet their needs. This increases the risk of emotional or physical infidelity in some cases.
Increased Tension and Marital Issues:
The imbalance in intimacy leads to recurring issues and constant arguments, where the neglected partner becomes more irritable or sensitive to any situation. This creates an atmosphere of tension in daily life.
Impact on Mental Health:
The partner who does not receive adequate attention may experience frustration, stress, or even depression, especially if the issue continues for an extended period without resolution.
Decline in Sexual Desire:
When negative experiences due to sexual selfishness are repeated, the unsatisfied partner may gradually lose sexual desire, leading to sexual coldness that can affect the entire marital relationship.

Ways to Deal with a Selfish Man in Sexual Relationship

There are several ways to deal with a selfish partner in bed to reduce this selfishness, including:

Communication:
Marriage is a close and long-lasting relationship built on affection and mercy. This affection can only grow from good companionship and communication. Both partners should understand each other’s concerns and openly discuss the issues affecting their marriage. The wife should explain her concerns to her husband and request the positions or situations that work for her, emphasizing the importance of prolonged foreplay without hesitation or shame.
Consult a Doctor:
In some cases, this problem may arise due to behavioral ignorance by the husband. In such cases, it is essential to consult a doctor who can help modify the selfish behavior in the bedroom. The doctor should also explain to the husband the importance of his wife’s enjoyment and how to cater to her needs.

How to Eliminate Sexual Selfishness Between Couples

To eliminate sexual selfishness between partners, it’s important to realize that it is not just about "bedroom behavior" but a reflection of respect, love, and care for your partner. Solutions begin with good intentions and continue in daily actions. Here are some practical steps you can begin with:

Awareness of the Problem is the First Step to Treatment:
The selfish partner must acknowledge to themselves that they are behaving selfishly. Sometimes, this happens unintentionally or due to misunderstandings about relationships.

Ask yourself: "Am I the only one enjoying this? Am I focusing on my partner’s comfort as much as I focus on mine?"
Open Honest Dialogue:
Speaking openly (but kindly) about the relationship helps a lot. Each partner should be able to express their needs and what pleases or bothers them, without feeling attacked.

Example: "I love being with you, but sometimes I feel like I’m not getting my fair share in the relationship… Can we talk openly?"
Focus on "Shared Enjoyment":
The relationship is not a race to see who finishes first; it’s a journey that both partners should enjoy together.
- Set aside time for foreplay and emotional connection, not just physical aspects.
- Learn to listen to your partner’s body and not only follow your own desires.
Exchange Roles and Initiatives:
The relationship shouldn’t always follow the same pattern, nor should it always start with the same partner initiating.

Try swapping roles or having each person lead the moment at different times. This breaks the routine and makes each partner feel valued.
Practice Empathy and Understanding:
Try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask yourself: "Would I be happy if this happened to me?"

Selfishness diminishes when we start thinking about the other partner’s feelings before our own actions.
Self-Education on Sex and Relationships:
Many people lack proper understanding of relationships due to upbringing, media, or films.
- Read or listen to podcasts on healthy marital relationships.
- You may also attend counseling sessions together if the issue creates a significant gap between you.
Do Not Rush and Create a Comfortable Atmosphere:
Rushing creates the feeling that you’re only concerned about your own desires, not your partner’s.

Prepare the atmosphere, talk together, and enjoy each other’s company. The relationship doesn’t need to start suddenly and end quickly.
Correcting Mistakes, Not Just Apologizing:
If one partner makes a mistake and behaves selfishly, it’s not enough to say "I’m sorry." They must begin changing their behavior and making genuine efforts.

Apologizing is important, but real change is what rebuilds trust in the relationship.
If You Have Children, Separate Your Roles:
Just because you’ve become parents doesn’t mean you should forget about being husband and wife. You should set aside special time for your marital relationship, away from your parenting responsibilities.
Listen to Your Partner’s Needs:
Sometimes, all your partner needs is to feel that you are listening to them with genuine interest when they share their complaints or requests.