Steps to deal with hurt friends and how to rebuke in healthy ways

"In our daily lives, we face situations that teach us a lot about people and relationships. One of the biggest challenges we might experience is the situations that happen between us and our close ones, like friends. Sometimes we feel hurt by them, but is forgiveness really the solution? In this article from Dilly Medical, we will discuss whether allowing people who hurt us a chance is the right step or not."

Types of Hurts Between Friends

The hurts that can occur between friends vary, and each type affects the relationship differently. Sometimes the hurt is due to simple situations, and other times it's due to betrayal or unjust actions. Below, we discuss the most common types of hurts that happen between friends:

Betrayal: Betrayal is one of the toughest hurts that can happen between friends. Betrayal is not limited to romantic relationships only, but it also includes friendships. For example, when one friend reveals a secret that was supposed to be kept, or when you trust someone and discover that they have betrayed your trust.

Neglect and Ignoring: A friend who is not there when you need them, or who continuously ignores you, has caused you deep hurt. Sometimes, the friend may not even realize this, but it can be very painful when you need support or attention.

Constant Comparisons: Constant comparisons between friends can create feelings of inadequacy. For example, when your friend compares you to others in certain aspects or tries to show that she is better than you in some things. This creates tension and discomfort in the relationship.

Bullying or Mocking: Sometimes, a friend may constantly mock your appearance or actions, which can be a significant emotional wound. When your friend is supposed to support you, bullying or mocking between the two of you can make you feel isolated or weak.

Lack of Understanding: Friendship is built on understanding, but sometimes, when there is no intellectual or emotional compatibility between friends, a significant gap can form. If one friend is unable to understand the other's feelings or handle situations appropriately, it leads to hurt.

Sticking to Personal Opinions at the Expense of the Other: Sometimes friends disagree on opinions and ideas, but if one of them is unable to respect the other's differences, it leads to severe tension. Insisting on one’s personal opinion without acknowledging the other person’s view causes emotional hurt, especially when this difference affects the relationship.

Interfering in Your Personal Life: Sometimes, a friend may overly interfere in your life, whether in your personal decisions or romantic or professional relationships. This can make you feel pressured and destroy your privacy, causing deep emotional hurt.

Deception or Lying: If your friend constantly lies or deceives you, it destroys the trust between you. A friendship built on lies is fragile, and sometimes the deception may be in the smallest things, but its impact is significant.

Control or Domination: If your friend tries to impose her opinion or control your choices and life, it creates a significant emotional wound. Friendship should be based on mutual respect, and when one friend imposes her opinion and controls the other’s decisions, it becomes a form of emotional hurt.

Failure to Support in Times of Need: Many times, we need the support of our friends during tough times, such as emotional crises or everyday challenges. If the friend is not there during those moments or is unable to provide support, it causes feelings of disappointment and pain.

Reasons for Hurts Between Friends and Things That Hurt a Friend

There are various situations that can lead to a friend hurting another, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Often, these situations are similar and repetitive. Being aware of these reasons and knowing how to deal with them can help reduce the impact of these hurts on friendships. Below are some of the main reasons that lead to hurts between friends:

Betrayal and Deception: Betrayal situations vary widely, such as trying to get close to a friend's partner, whether intentionally or not. This is considered one of the worst types of hurts between friends. Betrayal can also happen when a friend distances herself from you and becomes close to another friend or talks badly about you or breaks promises and trusts.

Revealing Secrets: Friendship is a special relationship based on trust and privacy, where friends are supposed to share secrets without the fear of them being revealed. However, for the sake of amusement or to cause harm, one friend may reveal these secrets to others or to concerned people, causing significant damage and embarrassment to the friend, leading to a feeling of betrayal.

Jealousy: At times, one friend may intentionally provoke jealousy in the other to satisfy her ego, making her feel superior or luckier. This jealousy often stems from material comparisons, such as having expensive clothes or accessories that the other friend doesn't have, or constantly talking about a happy romantic relationship when the other friend is going through emotional distress or feeling lonely.

Gossip and Backbiting: Girls often talk about their friends and acquaintances, and sometimes one of them may speak negatively or criticize someone or mock them. The friend may then spread these talks to the people involved, leading to problems and embarrassment, and thus causing harm to the friend.

Criticism and Mockery: Friendship is supposed to provide emotional and psychological support, but sometimes, when a girl needs support from her friend during tough times, the friend may instead mock her or engage in excessive criticism and insults. This behavior often aims to elevate herself by putting the other down, causing significant hurt to the friend.

Neglect and Exclusion: Everyone, especially girls, needs to feel accepted by others, particularly by friends. However, sometimes a friend may exclude the other from meetings, outings, or events, making her feel unwanted, which leads to a loss of self-confidence and a deep emotional wound.

Negativity and Insults: Sometimes, a friend may suffer from psychological problems or emotional disorders, such as arrogance, aggression, or lack of self-confidence, making her always competitive with others. She may intentionally embarrass her friend in certain situations or insult her to diminish her, trying to make herself appear better. These behaviors hurt the friend's personality and self-confidence, causing significant emotional pain.

How to Deal with a Friend Who Hurt You?

How you handle a friend who has hurt you depends on the cause of the hurt and the harm it caused, as well as the intention behind the action. Here are several ways to deal with it, depending on the situation:

Listen and Understand the Reason: Before judging the intentions of the friend who caused the hurt, it's important to listen to her and try to understand the reasons behind her behavior. Especially if this behavior is strange or unexpected. There may be a valid reason or perspective worth listening to, such as a misunderstanding, an attempt to protect you, a joke that had unintended consequences, or simply bad intentions. Each situation requires a unique approach.

Respond to the Insult Without Arguing: If the hurt caused by the friend is due to an insult, it's important to respond to the insult calmly without getting into a fight or confrontation. It's enough to show her the mistake she made and make her aware of it, then quietly step away. You can also make it clear that she acted inappropriately and doesn't value the friendship.

Talk to Her Directly: In some cases, it might be helpful to directly and clearly express your feelings to your friend and explain the hurt she caused. Tell her how her actions could threaten the relationship if they continue. If she persists in hurtful behavior, it's best to set firm boundaries or consider ending the friendship if there's no hope of resolving the issue.

Ignore and Be Indifferent: Sometimes, some girls intentionally annoy their friends for reasons such as ego, lack of self-esteem, or narcissism. In such cases, ignoring her may be an effective approach. Ignoring makes the friend realize that her behavior is childish and unappealing, which may encourage her to change her behavior to appear better in your eyes or the eyes of others.

Reprimand and Blame: Sometimes, it's helpful to direct blame and reprimand the friend who caused you harm to draw her attention to her behavior and actions. She may not have bad intentions, but she might not realize the impact of her words or actions on others. When she receives the blame and reprimand, she might understand and regret her hurtful actions, leading her to stop.

End the Relationship: In cases where the hurt is deep and cannot be healed, and it becomes clear that the friendship is not genuine and that the friend who caused the hurt has bad intentions—such as betrayal, spreading secrets, or deliberately causing harm—it is better to end the relationship completely. If the friendship has become toxic and irreparable, distancing yourself is the best choice for your mental health.

How to Reprimand a Friend Who Hurt You?

The hurt caused by a friend may not always be severe enough to end the relationship or escalate into a fight, and sometimes, a reprimand is enough to improve the situation between you. You can reprimand your friend according to the situation and the cause of the hurt in several ways:

Explain the Impact of the Situation:
Your friend may not be aware of the impact of some of her actions or words, causing her to make unintentional mistakes, such as mocking or provoking jealousy in front of others. In this case, it's important to talk to her about how her behavior has affected you, helping her understand the psychological and emotional harm she caused. This will make her feel her mistake and prompt her to stop these actions.

Handle it Seriously:
Sometimes, you may want your friend to realize the seriousness of her actions and their effect on you without having a fight or ending the relationship. In such cases, it may be helpful to handle the situation seriously, distancing yourself from her for a short period to make her understand that these behaviors are not acceptable and that she should consider your feelings in the future.

Put Her in the Same Situation:
Putting the friend who hurt you in the same embarrassing or hurtful situation that she put you in, either by talking about similar examples or asking her to imagine being in your position, can help her understand the emotional and psychological pain she caused. This may lead to her regretting her actions.

Take a Break from Her:
Sometimes, people become accustomed to accepting the bad actions of others toward them, causing them to cross boundaries and behave inappropriately. Therefore, it might be helpful to take a break from your friend for a while and not respond to her calls or messages. This will make her realize the importance of apologizing and understanding your feelings. This break might prompt her to admit her mistake and apologize, allowing the relationship to return to normal.

Set Boundaries in the Relationship:
At times, it's necessary to set clear boundaries in your relationship with the friend who hurt you, such as defining things that are unacceptable or not to be joked about, refraining from sharing personal secrets with her, or reducing the level of trust you place in her. This will make her feel that her behavior is not acceptable, and it helps minimize situations where she might hurt your feelings again.

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Healing from Friendship Wounds

Healing from friendship wounds is one of the toughest types of emotional healing, as it involves our feelings and close relationships. When a friendship is hurt, whether through betrayal, distance, or misunderstanding, it causes deep pain. Therefore, healing from these wounds requires time and special effort.

Acknowledge the Pain:
The first step in healing is acknowledging the pain you feel. Many people try to ignore the pain or avoid their feelings to protect themselves, but this is ultimately unhelpful. You need to give yourself the chance to feel the pain and allow yourself to express it, whether through talking, writing, or any other means that help you.

Reevaluate the Relationship:
After accepting the pain, it's important to look at the relationship itself. Was it healthy from the start? Were there warning signs before the painful situation occurred? If you can understand the relationship more deeply, you'll be able to take better steps, either by continuing it or ending it.

Apology or Understanding:
If you were the one at fault in the disagreement or hurt, offering a sincere apology is an essential step in healing. A sincere apology not only heals the wound but also builds a bridge of understanding between you and the other person. If the other party is the one at fault, try to understand their perspective and accept the situation. You don't have to agree with everything, but it's important to try to understand them.

Take Some Distance:
Sometimes, after betrayal or hurt, it might be best to take some distance. This distance gives you time to think and reevaluate things without the pressure of current emotions. It can also be an opportunity for both parties to step back from the situation and reconsider the relationship.

Focus on Yourself:
Healing from a friendship wound requires you to take care of yourself. You can start by engaging in your hobbies, exercising, or doing anything that brings you joy. When you focus on yourself and your mental well-being, it improves your ability to deal with difficult situations.

Face the Truth:
There might be moments when you feel unable to face the truth, but in the end, you must look at reality clearly. Just as you heal from the wound, you need to be able to confront tough situations and deal with them. Sometimes the truth is painful, but it is ultimately the key to change and growth.

Turn the Page:
Once you feel you’ve overcome a significant part of the pain, try to turn the page. This might mean either attempting to restore the friendship after resolving the disagreements or respectfully ending the relationship.

Move Forward with Life:
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting everything; it means you are capable of moving forward and learning lessons from the experience. Life will go on, and true friendship will appear when you're ready to open your heart to new people.

Stages of Healing from Friendship Wounds

Healing from friendship wounds is one of the most difficult emotional experiences a person can go through, as it involves various emotional phases. It’s important to remember that healing is not a linear process and can differ from person to person based on the nature and depth of the wound. Below are the essential stages of the healing process:

Denial Stage

At first, the person who has been hurt may be in a state of denial. They feel as though what happened isn't real, or they believe that it shouldn’t have a significant impact on the friendship. They may try to ignore the wound or minimize its effect on their life. Denial is a natural reaction to pain, as the person is initially unable to confront the reality.

What Happens Here?

• The person feels confused.

• They may refuse to acknowledge that the relationship has changed.

• They might try to justify the friend's actions or look for excuses for what happened.

Pain and Sadness Stage

Once the person can acknowledge the pain, they begin to feel deep sadness and anger. The pain could be due to betrayal, neglect, or another type of emotional wound. In this stage, the person feels sorrow and disappointment, experiencing a sense of emptiness from losing the friend or the relationship.

What Happens Here?

• The person feels deep sadness.

• They may begin to cry or withdraw from daily activities.

• They replay the details of the previous relationship.

• They feel disappointed due to unmet expectations.

Anger and Blame Stage

In this stage, the person begins to feel anger towards the friend for what happened. They may start blaming themselves or the other party and may feel a need for revenge or to express their anger. This anger is often a result of betrayal or mistreatment.

What Happens Here?

• The person starts blaming the friend or even themselves.

• Anger becomes evident through words or actions.

• They may feel that it's impossible to understand the other party or reach a resolution.

Isolation and Emotional Detachment Stage

During this stage, the person may try to distance themselves from the friend or emotionally detach. This may be due to an inability to face the shock or because the person believes it’s better for them to stay away from the one who hurt them. Isolation at this stage can provide space for reflection and re-evaluation of the relationship.

What Happens Here?

• The person distances themselves from the friend and avoids communication.

• They may feel lonely or unwilling to reconnect with the relationship.

• They try to rebuild themselves away from the friend's presence.

Reflection and Re-evaluation Stage

After a period of isolation, the person begins to reconsider and evaluate the relationship rationally. They start asking questions like: Was the relationship worth all this pain? Were there warning signs before the painful event? Are they ready to forgive or do they want to end the relationship?

What Happens Here?

• The person re-evaluates their feelings and the reasons behind the wound.

• They start thinking about possible solutions, whether to repair the relationship or end it.

• They may begin to understand the reasons behind the problem from the other party’s perspective.

Forgiveness (or Acceptance) Stage

At this stage, the person decides whether to forgive the friend or not. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the wound, but the person tries to understand and accept what happened. Sometimes, the decision to forgive helps the person release the burden of anger and sadness.

What Happens Here?

• The person decides whether to continue the relationship or not.

• They begin to consider the possibility of repairing the relationship, either through communication with the friend or by clarifying their feelings.

• Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean returning to the relationship, but it means accepting the situation.

Personal Growth and Transformation Stage

After going through the painful stages, the person begins to transform and grow personally. The experience teaches important lessons about friendships and relationships. They may begin to build healthier relationships or discover new ways of dealing with friendships. The person realizes that pain is part of the process of growth and elevation in life.

What Happens Here?

• The person tries to build healthy relationships based on mutual respect.

• They gain insights from the experience that help them understand their needs in a friendship.

• Self-esteem and emotional well-being improve.

Decision Stage

At this stage, the person makes the final decision about the relationship. Will they continue the friendship with the same person, or will they let go of it? The decision is based on the person’s evaluation of the friendship and whether a healthy new relationship can be built.

What Happens Here?

• The person makes a final decision about the relationship.

• The relationship may resume after mutual understanding and responsibility.

• Or, they may decide to part ways permanently if reconciliation is not possible.

Self-Recovery Stage

Self-recovery is a very important stage after closing the chapter of the wound and deciding to improve. In this stage, the person begins to focus on themselves and their mental and emotional health. They may start learning new skills to improve future relationships or develop themselves in various areas.

What Happens Here?

• The person gains skills in dealing with negative emotions.

• They may engage in activities that improve their mental health, such as meditation or exercise.

• They begin looking for ways to rebuild their trust in others.

Restoring Trust in Relationships Stage

After betrayal or hurt, rebuilding trust in relationships is extremely difficult. The person may initially find it hard to trust others or even open their heart to new people. However, after going through the stages of healing, the person becomes capable of restoring trust in future relationships.

What Happens Here?

• The person may initially find it difficult to trust others.

• They begin building new relationships with others or improving existing ones.

• They develop proper communication skills and begin respecting personal boundaries.

11. Negotiation Stage (Internal Reconciliation): Sometimes, even if you decide to distance yourself from the friend or end the relationship, an internal reconciliation stage begins. In this phase, you make peace with your decision and no longer feel regret about what happened. You accept the truth and the loss, and start to feel at ease with the idea that this experience is part of life and personal growth.

What Happens Here?

• The person makes peace with their decision to distance themselves or end the relationship.

• They begin to find inner peace without guilt or regret.

• They focus on the present and future rather than living in the past.

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12. Deep Understanding of the Lesson Stage: Over time, the person starts to realize the deeper lessons learned from the experience. A friendship that has been hurt may open the door to life lessons, such as how to manage relationships in a healthy way or how to maintain a balance between expectations and reality.

What Happens Here?

• The person starts to see the value of the experience despite the pain.

• They extract lessons that help them deal with others better in the future.

• They learn how to set boundaries in relationships and acquire new skills in conflict resolution.

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13. Acceptance of Loss Stage (Ending the Relationship Peacefully): Some relationships end completely, making it hard to accept the idea of loss after years of friendship. In this stage, the person learns to accept that the relationship has ended despite all efforts. Accepting this reality helps to close chapters of the past and move on to new chapters in life.

What Happens Here?

• The person begins to accept the idea of the relationship ending.

• They give themselves the chance to move forward without looking back.

• They free themselves from feelings of blame or sorrow and seek to restore inner peace.

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14. Starting to Build a New Network of Relationships Stage: After healing from the wound, the person begins to seek new, healthier relationships. At this stage, they may develop a network of new friends who align with them emotionally. This could include building new relationships or even improving relationships with people in their circle.

What Happens Here?

• They build new relationships based on mutual respect.

• They use the lessons learned from the experience to form deeper and healthier relationships.

• They focus on interacting with others in a mature and respectful manner.

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15. Acceptance and Embrace Stage: Acceptance is the key to moving forward positively. After going through all the previous stages, the person begins to accept that relationships may change and life continues. Acceptance here doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring the wound, but rather living with it and adjusting to the new reality.

What Happens Here?

• The person accepts the experience with all its challenges.

• They start living in the present rather than focusing on the past.

• They learn how to become a better and more mature person as a result of this experience.