How to deal with your child if he hits and how to make him stop hitting

Hitting is a common behavior among children, but with the right approach, it can be managed and corrected effectively. While it can be frustrating for parents and those around them, the key is to understand why the child resorts to hitting in the first place.In this Dalili Medical article, we will explore
 The main reasons behind children’s hitting behavior.
 How to stop it using proper parenting techniques.
The best way to handle a child who hits—without resorting to violence.

By addressing the root causes and implementing positive discipline, parents can help their children develop healthier emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills.

Is It Normal for Children to Go Through a Biting and Hitting Phase?

Yes, it’s completely normal for young children to go through a phase of biting or hitting. It’s a part of their natural development and a stage they usually outgrow. However, even though it’s common, it can still be frustrating and challenging for parents and caregivers. Most children eventually stop hitting and biting as they grow, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore the behavior. It’s important to use effective strategies at home or in daycare to help children learn how to express their emotions in a healthy way. Before we take action, we need to understand why they behave this way in the first place.

Why Do Children Go Through a Biting and Hitting Phase?

• Teething Pain – Sometimes, children bite simply because their gums hurt during teething. This is especially common in babies and toddlers.
• Seeking Attention – Some children realize that biting or hitting is a way to get attention from parents or those around them.
• Self-Defense – A child may resort to hitting or biting when they feel threatened, whether by another child or even an adult.
• Hunger – Sometimes, children are hungry but can’t express it with words, so they use biting as a form of communication.
• Tiredness or Fatigue – When children are exhausted or haven’t had enough sleep, they may become irritable and resort to biting or hitting.
• Exploration and Curiosity – Some children use biting or hitting as a way to explore their environment and observe how people react.
• Testing Boundaries – Young children are learning about rules and limits, so they might bite or hit to see what they can get away with.
• Lack of Self-Control – Young kids haven’t fully developed the ability to regulate their emotions, so they act impulsively when they feel frustrated or angry.

Reasons Why Children Hit

1. The Child Doesn’t Understand That Hitting Is Wrong
   A three-year-old child often doesn’t realize that hitting is bad because they don’t yet understand that it causes pain or discomfort to others. They usually don’t have a clear reason for hitting—it’s simply part of their learning and growth process. Studies have shown that children between 11 months and two years old don’t perceive hitting as a bad thing, so instead of punishing them, parents should focus on teaching them proper behavior.

2. Hitting to Get Attention
   Before asking, "How should I react when my child hits someone?" you need to understand that hitting can sometimes be a way for a child to seek attention from parents or those around them. If parents laugh or unintentionally encourage this behavior, the child will continue doing it because they see it as fun and effective.

3. Lack of Self-Control
   Young children haven’t yet developed the ability to regulate their emotions or control their actions, so they might hit when they’re excited, bored, or even happy. This issue can persist in some children until around the age of nine, which means they need guidance and training to learn appropriate ways to express themselves.

4. Expressing Emotions
   Hitting is sometimes a way for children to express anger, frustration, or disappointment—especially if they don’t know how to communicate their feelings verbally. That’s why parents should teach their children alternative ways to express their emotions instead of resorting to hitting.

5. Imitation and Copying
   Children learn most of their behaviors from those around them. If they experience hitting at home—whether from parents, siblings, or even on TV—they are likely to imitate the behavior without intending harm.

6. Hitting for Fun
   Some children see hitting as part of play, so they may hit when they’re excited or happy. To them, it might be entertaining, especially if parents laugh or ignore the behavior at first.

7. Jealousy
   Jealousy is one of the main reasons children hit—especially if they see a sibling or friend having something they don’t, or if they feel someone else is getting more attention. This is common among spoiled children or those who aren’t used to sharing.

8. Self-Defense
   When a child feels threatened or scared, they might instinctively hit as a way to defend themselves—even if no real danger exists. Before punishing your child for hitting, try to understand what they’re afraid of and find ways to reassure them so they don’t feel the need to use aggression.

9. Impulsiveness and High Energy
   Some children have naturally high energy levels or tend to act impulsively. They might suddenly hit, break things, or throw objects—not with the intention to harm, but simply as a spontaneous reaction. These children need patience and guidance to learn how to manage their behavior.

How to Deal with a Child Who Hits?

To help a child stop hitting, we need to teach them alternative ways to express their emotions and guide them calmly without using violence or harsh punishment. Strict discipline can make them more attached to the behavior instead of stopping it. The key is patience, understanding, and teaching the child healthy alternatives to manage their feelings.

How to Prevent My Child from Hitting Others?

1. Understanding Why the Child Hits
   The first step to stopping your child from hitting is to understand why they do it. Are they upset because they lost their favorite toy? Are they hungry? Bored and want to play? When you identify the root cause, you can address the issue and guide them toward better behavior.

2. Immediate Intervention When They Hit
   If you see your child hitting someone, intervene immediately. Get down to their level, look into their eyes, and say calmly:
   "I understand that you’re upset, but hitting is not okay. Can you tell me what’s wrong instead of using your hands?"
   Staying calm is crucial because your reaction teaches them the difference between right and wrong.

3. Act Before the Child Hits
   Observe the situations that lead to hitting. Does it happen when they’re sleepy? Hungry? Bored? If you notice a pattern, try to address the issue beforehand—like letting them rest if they’re tired or taking them outside for a walk if they’re bored.

4. Distracting the Child
   If you sense that your child is about to hit, try to distract them with a new toy or a funny action. You can hold their hands and kiss them or encourage them to do something silly instead of hitting. This shifts their focus and helps them forget the urge to hit.

5. Creating a Calm-Down Time
   Encourage your child to calm down in a different way rather than hitting. They can sit in a cozy spot, go outside for fresh air, or lie down in their bed until they feel better. This shouldn’t be a punishment but rather a safe space to manage their emotions.

6. Praising Self-Control
   When you notice that your child was about to hit but managed to control themselves, praise them immediately. Say something like:
   "I’m so proud of you for not hitting! You did a great job controlling yourself!"
   Positive reinforcement strengthens good behavior and encourages them to continue making the right choices.

Reasons Why a Child Hits Other Children in Preschool or Kindergarten

1. Lack of Understanding on How to Handle Strong Emotions
   Young children do not yet have the skills to express their emotions properly. They may resort to hitting when they feel angry, frustrated, or sad. This can happen due to daily situations like:

   • A teacher stopping them from doing something they wanted.
   • Another child taking their toy.
   • Major life changes, such as a new sibling, moving to a new home, or parental separation.

2. Believing That Aggression Helps Them Get What They Want
   Some children hit because they think aggression is an effective way to achieve their goals, such as:

   • Getting attention from teachers or parents.
   • Gaining control over toys and objects they desire.
   • Establishing dominance among other children in preschool.
   • Solving problems when they don’t know a better way to do so.

3. Imitating Aggressive Behavior They See Around Them
   Children learn from their surroundings. If they witness hitting or aggression at home, in school, on TV, or in video games, they might start copying these behaviors. If they see someone using violence to get what they want, they might believe it is an effective strategy.

How to Handle a Child Who Hits in Preschool?

• Teach them alternative ways to express their emotions, like using words or gestures.
• Encourage them to ask for things calmly instead of taking them by force.
• Observe their environment and make sure they are not imitating violent behavior from adults or media.
• Intervene calmly when they hit and explain that hitting is not an acceptable way to solve problems.
• Reinforce positive behavior and praise them when they use words instead of hitting.

How to Respond When My Child Hits Me?

If your child hits you, your reaction must be firm yet constructive to help them understand that hitting is unacceptable. However, the discipline should be smart, teaching them emotional control without using violence.

1. Using a Time-Out Wisely
   The "time-out" method can be effective if done correctly:

   • Place them in a quiet spot away from toys and screens.
   • The time-out duration should match their age (e.g., a 3-year-old sits for 3 minutes).
   • After the time-out, talk to them about why it happened and reinforce that hitting is not acceptable.

2. Giving Them Time to Calm Down
   Instead of immediate punishment, allow them time to calm down and think about their actions:

   • Take them aside and say calmly: "I won't talk to you right now because you hit me. Take some time to calm down, and then we’ll talk."
   • Leave them alone for a few minutes based on their age, then discuss what happened.

3. Correcting Behavior Without Harsh Punishment
   Not all situations require punishment. Sometimes, just saying firmly, "Hitting is wrong, and I do not accept that behavior," is enough.

   • Get down to their level, make eye contact, and speak seriously but calmly.
   • Teach them alternative ways to express anger, such as speaking or asking for help.

4. Following Through on Consequences
   If you say, "If you hit me again, you won’t watch cartoons," you must enforce it.

   • Empty threats will make them continue hitting because they don’t see real consequences.
   • Punishments should be reasonable and connected to the situation, such as temporarily taking away a privilege.

5. Avoid Hitting Them in Return
   If a child experiences physical punishment, even mildly, they may start imitating the same behavior with others.

   • Alternative approach: Use disciplinary methods that teach self-control rather than fear.
   • Be a role model: If your child sees you handling anger calmly, they will learn the right way to react.

How to Stop My Child from Hitting Me?

• Be firm but not aggressive: Say, "I will not let you hit me," and step away.
• Teach them alternative ways to express frustration: Encourage them to use words or ask for a hug if they need attention.
• Praise good behavior: When they manage to stay calm without hitting, say, "I’m proud of you for calming down without hitting

How to Deal with Your Child Hitting You Based on Their Age?

When a child hits their parents, it's important to be firm in rejecting the behavior without resorting to violence. The wrong reaction can make the problem worse. Each age group requires a different approach to help the child learn the correct behavior.

1. Children Under 3 Years Old

At this age, children are still learning the difference between right and wrong. Hitting is often a way to express emotions or test reactions.

 What’s the solution?

• Gently hold their hand and say: "We don’t hit; that hurts."
• Use gentle touch, like holding their hand softly or turning the hit into a "high five."
• Distract them with a toy or another activity when they start to hit.

2. Children Aged 3 to 6 Years

At this stage, children start to understand rules, but they may hit because they don’t yet know how to express their emotions properly.

 What’s the solution?

• Firmly say: "Hitting is not allowed. If you're upset, use your words."
• Help them learn to express their emotions with words, like saying "I'm angry" instead of hitting.
• Once they calm down, ask them: "Why were you upset? How can we solve this problem differently?"
• If they repeat the behavior, use a time-out (one minute per year of age).

3. Children Over 6 Years Old

At this age, children understand consequences better, but they might hit if they are copying adults or trying to get attention.

 What’s the solution?

• Set clear boundaries: "Hitting is not an acceptable way to solve problems."
• If they are angry, encourage them to release energy through activities like running or drawing.
• Use logical consequences, such as reducing screen time if they hit.
• Praise them when they express their emotions without hitting by saying: "I'm proud of you for using your words instead of hitting."

Things to Avoid

 Do not hit back → It teaches them that violence is a solution.
Do not make empty threats → If you don’t follow through, they won’t take you seriously.
Do not laugh if they hit you when they’re young → It makes them think hitting is a game.
Do not ignore the behavior → They need to learn that hitting parents is completely unacceptable.

How to Help Your Child Express Emotions Instead of Hitting?

✔️ Say: "Instead of hitting, tell me why you're upset."
✔️ Draw faces representing emotions (happy, sad, angry) and let them point to how they feel.
✔️ Encourage them to punch a soft ball or scream into a pillow when they’re angry instead of hitting.
✔️ Spend quality time together daily through play, words of affection, and hugs.

Why Does a Child Hit Their Siblings?

Before finding ways to handle a child who hits their sibling, we first need to understand the reasons behind this behavior. Some of the most common reasons include:

1. Feeling Angry

Young children struggle to express their emotions properly, especially anger. Sometimes, hitting a sibling is their way of expressing frustration, particularly if they don’t know how to deal with their feelings in another way.

2. Sibling Provocation

Sometimes, one sibling provokes the other in different ways. Since young children have difficulty controlling their emotions, they may react by hitting instead of talking or finding another solution.

3. Escaping a Situation

Hitting might not be a regular habit, but rather a way for the child to escape a situation they don’t know how to handle. For example, if they are playing a competitive game and lose, they might resort to hitting instead of accepting the loss.

4. Jealousy of Their Sibling

Jealousy is one of the main reasons children hit their siblings. This is especially true for an older child who sees their younger sibling receiving more attention, whether through affection or time spent together. Since they don’t fully understand that their sibling has different needs, they may feel like they are being overlooked and try to get attention by hitting.

5. Feeling Unfair Treatment

Before looking for a solution, it’s essential to examine how we treat our children. Sometimes, a child perceives favoritism between siblings, whether intentional or due to special needs (e.g., a younger or sick sibling requiring extra care). This can create a sense of injustice, leading them to express their frustration through hitting.

6. Seeking Power and Control

A child might experience bullying at school or situations where they feel weak. To compensate for this, they may assert dominance at home by hitting their siblings to feel stronger and more in control.

How to Stop My Child from Hitting Their Siblings?

1. Separate Them Immediately

Before thinking about any form of discipline, the first step is to remove the child from the situation. Take them to another place like their room, the balcony, or even the garden. Let them know that hitting is not acceptable, but without yelling.

2. Focus on the Child Who Was Hit

It’s a mistake to give all your attention to the child who hit their sibling, as this might make them feel like they gained your focus through aggression. Instead, check on the child who was hit first, comfort them, and make sure they are okay. This way, the child who misbehaved will understand that hitting won’t get them what they want.

3. Ask About the Reason

Most of the time, children struggle to express their emotions, and hitting is often a reaction to frustration or hidden stress. Try to understand the real reason behind their behavior. Ask them why they did it and help them find a different way to express their feelings without violence.

4. Teach Them to Apologize

Once the child has calmed down and talked about their feelings, encourage them to apologize. If saying “sorry” is difficult for them, help them find another way to make amends, like giving their sibling a hug or sharing a small treat like a cookie. This acts as a promise that they won’t repeat their behavior.

5. Discipline Calmly

Discipline doesn’t mean yelling or hitting back, as this can make the child even more stubborn. Instead, use gentle discipline methods like a short "time-out" on a designated chair or temporarily removing their playtime privileges until they calm down and learn to behave better.

How to Stop My Child from Hitting Their Sibling?

1. Protect the Weaker Child

If your younger child is hitting their infant sibling, you need to keep a close watch on the baby and ensure their safety. Young children don’t fully understand that they are the older sibling and should take care of their younger brother or sister. Instead, they might feel jealous of the attention the baby is getting and react aggressively. Always supervise and prevent any opportunity for harm.

2. Stay Connected with the Aggressive Child

Spend more quality time with the child who is hitting because they might be acting out for attention. The more time you dedicate to them, the better you can understand their motives and help improve their behavior. Ask about their day, their feelings, and make sure they feel valued and heard.

3. Provide Security and Reassurance

Sometimes, a child becomes aggressive because they feel insecure or fear losing their place in the family. Reassure them and help them overcome these fears. For example, if they are jealous of their baby sibling, you can say: "I know you feel upset because I spend a lot of time with your brother, but you can always talk to me and ask for what you need." This helps them understand that their sibling’s presence doesn’t mean they’ve lost your love or attention.

4. Avoid Using Physical Punishment

If you don’t want your child to hit their sibling, avoid using hitting as a form of discipline. If they see you hitting them or their sibling, they’ll learn that violence is an acceptable response to frustration. Instead, use other methods like time-outs or temporary loss of privileges to correct their behavior.

5. Highlight Positive Interactions

Even if your child struggles with hitting their sibling, acknowledge and praise any positive interactions. For example, if they help with changing the baby’s diaper or bring them a toy, mention it in front of the family or their father. Say things like, "You were so kind and gentle with your brother today!" This encourages them to embrace their role as an older sibling instead of seeing it as a burden.

Tips to Strengthen the Bond Between Siblings

1. Encourage Them to Play Together

Set aside time for your children to play together, and be present as a fair mediator. Shared playtime helps build a stronger bond between siblings. If one child tends to hit their sibling, engaging in group activities can ease tensions and make them feel more connected as part of each other’s daily lives.

2. Teach Them the Importance of Helping Each Other

When children get used to helping one another, their bond becomes stronger, and they start seeing themselves as a team. For example, encourage them to help each other tidy up their room or set the dinner table. This fosters cooperation and reduces conflicts.

3. Assign Simple Tasks They Can Do Together

Give them a joint task like preparing a dessert or setting up a surprise for their father when he returns from work. These shared experiences enhance their understanding of each other and keep them engaged in productive activities instead of arguments.

4. Teach Them to Respect Each Other’s Boundaries

Each child should learn to respect the other’s personal space, such as not taking their sibling’s toys without permission or entering their room without knocking. When children understand these boundaries, their relationship becomes more stable, and conflicts decrease.

5. Never Compare Them

Comparing siblings is one of the quickest ways to create jealousy and rivalry. Instead of comparing, focus on developing each child’s unique skills and talents. Praise their individual strengths rather than using their sibling as a benchmark.

6. Acknowledge Their Differences

Even if you raise your children the same way, each one has a unique personality and needs. Recognizing and explaining this to them is important. For example, if your older child is jealous of their baby sibling, explain that the baby needs more care because they can’t do things on their own yet. Encourage the older sibling to help, which will make them feel valued instead of excluded.

Who Can Help with a Child’s Aggression?

If your child continues to hit others despite your efforts, you may need professional guidance. The right specialist depends on the root cause of their behavior:

• Child Psychologist: If the issue involves excessive anger, impulsivity, or other emotional challenges.
• Behavioral Therapist: If your child needs structured training on managing emotions and behavior properly.
• Pediatric Neurologist: If the aggression is linked to conditions like ADHD or developmental delays.

Seeking professional support can provide effective strategies to help your child develop better self-control and healthier ways to express their feelings.

The Right Specialist for Addressing a Child’s Hitting Behavior

Choosing the right professional depends on the root cause of the child’s aggressive behavior:

• Child Psychologist: If the issue is persistent and linked to excessive anger, impulsivity, or other psychological challenges.
• Behavioral Therapist: If the child needs structured training on managing emotions and controlling their actions appropriately.
• Pediatric Neurologist: If the aggression stems from an underlying medical condition such as ADHD or developmental delays.

Seeking the appropriate specialist ensures that the child receives the right support to develop healthier emotional regulation and social skills.